The words

I was all alone but there was no peace nor silence. I really hadn't any thoughts; only to be committed. All of this that was going on was foreign to me. It paralyzed me to my very bedsheets. I was placed on the government watch program. And when I'd be in the privacy of my own home I would hear voices. Even rumbling and rambling that regurgitated in my mouth. I'm sure you can hardly imagine the words. Everything I once called the cruelty of man. The decay of society. The stupidity or dumbying of man...I'm was quite sure what I did to deserve this. I've never been haunted or plagued before. I had sold a handbag to a wanted terrorist. I never thought anything of it because I sent it registered priority mail in order for the government to trace. From that moment on I washed my hands of it and worked my adventurous adult entertainment career. And dim little retail career. At first; I was busy with chats from notable men to the next notable person. Meetings and cyber chat. Phone fun. And because I was slender.

And fatigued. I was worried if I had "The Big A." Instead I worked more and played more safer and it was a nuisance because I prefer things raw. That is my only fetish. I'm the passive and submissive feminine creature in all relations. That is I always find most pleasing and desirable. I flirted and had affairs with prominent men. I was astonished that they even took notice of me. Let alone anything else. Which brings us to this moment and near recent past events.

Everyday I'm harrassed being called a nigger bitch, nigger lover, and various names.

Told that I have Aids; and, that I will die soon.... soon many famous faces from remote places nearby; I can attest, would rally for me and support me.  Now I'm still alone and these voices and words regurgitating would be involuntary. I have never fostered any kind of hatred in my heart. I'm not pro censorship. But it was malicious. I took a speck of my own stool and put it my mouth to punish myself. I vomitted instantly. Then people would compare me to Marylin Monroe.

Which I found an honor but rather troublesome since you cannot be someone who lived breathed and existed. Then I was called a Holy Figure. Jesus, the Virgin Mother.

All too much to fathom. I only long to be saved by something, someone more powerful then myself, and for all this is I am truly sorry.

These are the words I say in my prayers.