I decided to challenge myself and others...
Life is a miracle. It's a mystery often spent in misery. Instead of putting down our phones to look at pictures or these little blurb opinion articles that mean nothing.
We spend our time with apps. Filters. Emojis. And the right to free speech.
Who is effectively using theirs and who is offending your peace of mind and right to freedom.
Here is where my story begins. I'm publishing this in my blog. Where things appear Last to First entry. I am the eldest child of two. Sixteen months apart. My younger brother and I are polar opposites.
My name is Panagiotis aka Peter but he calls me Phil.
My mother and father call me Takouli, or Taki. Short for Panagiotaki or Panagiotakouli. Not pronounced Tacky as I truly do despise. Laughing out loud. My parents got married in an arranged marriage. They were in their teens(Mom) and twenties(Dad). The both waited around four to five years before having us.
They lived a poor village life before coming to America. The animals and no bathrooms and cooking on wood lit by fire sort of thing. My grandparents were strict on them. But very loving to us- the grandchildren. My mom has five sisters. She is the second of six girls. My father is the youngest of four boys. So we have always had aunts and uncles and cousins.
To play with and learn from. Speaking of learning that begins with my education.
I went to private Greek- American religious learning school and church. For nine years. Where I served as an altar boy.
I participated in G.O.Y.A. -Greek Orthodox Youth Association. I played basketball. Ran track. I played football at recess, and Reading was my favorite subject. I graduated. Although a week after my graduation I had to have surgery on my bladder due to unfunctioning kidney and reflux issue. Soon I was healed and started high school. It was a very different atmosphere and environment like anything else I was used to. I suppose you can say that is where I formed my classical liberal mind.
I went to school with all different walks of life and I enjoyed it. I learned about struggles our previous history teachers never taught us like the plight of the Native Americans. Immigrants. Slaves. And Racism. And the system. It was eye opening to say the least. Can I also share this where I learned about self expression.
Or what things meant. See, I played with Barbie and watched Wonder Woman, The Bionic Woman, and Dark Shadows, and the Thundercats. I was into the X-MEN comics. And listened to Tina Turner, Madonna, Stevie Wonder, and the Eurythmics. I also liked L.L. CoolJ, Rakim, and Big Daddy Kane. And I liked other guys. This is how I discovered I was an ecclectic gay young man.
As you can imagine this was too much for my immigrant parents. And because of the struggles and conflicts at home, and the struggle of the age. Rebellion, chaos.
I would ditch school. I never graduated high school. But I did take my G.E.D. Constitution Test. And was able to attend a community college for few semesters.
Did I mention my parents owned a business- a bakery!?! I maintained a slim physique while working there throughout my youth. And I'm a sweet- tooth so, it was pretty cool to me. We worked long, full hours every day and night. Inevitably; this took a toll on my father, coupled with smoking. He had a heart attack. This was devastating to witness. But I'm sure much more painful to endure.
I'm also a smoker since fifteen. But my heart is fine from the tests I've undergone.
My parents decided to move out of the Chicago SW suburbs. Probably to take us away from bad influences. And moved us to Plainfield. And that is what it was a plain-ass-field. But over the years Plainfield, Illinois has been good to me.
The peace and quiet I hated is something I'd grow to love in upcoming years.
I met few guys. I started dating. Having regular sex instead of one night stands and some more of those as well. And I got a job at retail department store. I worked in designer goods. And as I working networking and assisting customers potential clients and relative businesses.
And then trouble started.
I had to go to the hospital. I was spinning out of control. I was hearing voices that were not there. I stayed for a week. I immediately got two to three jobs one week later. My friends all abandoned me
They thought I was "crazy". And who knows maybe I was or am. But I needed help. I checked myself in. I even had my head and brain examined for trauma, retardation, Multiple Sclerosis, Dementia and Alzheimer's, Down's Syndrome, Autism, my nerves and receptors.
My brain works fine. I have no chemical
Imbalance. I have no medical reason for the voices. It's a phenomenon. It's very scary but life is scary. I remember when my only worry was not to catch AIDS.
Life can't be all about clubs drinks boys kisses and sperm. You got to grow up sometime. Any way I didn't like myself.
As you can imagine I have had a few gender issues. I played with girl things.
Make up, heels, dresses and I did drag.
It just gave me some confusion.
I was friends with trannies that supported me either way. But that was then. I'm a guy. I'm comfortable to be a guy. Now I'm bald after having lush hair that I would experiment with products, color, and cuts.
And I'm also plump. Phat. Fat. I got more curves. Laughing out loud. Any way back to the voices. At first it started innocently enough. And then they would multiply.
They would tell me the strangest things from grandiose. To things that would make me paranoid. And ever since after the sight of hummingbirds presenting themselves to me in my mother's garden,
I started to feel way better. It's like I witnessed God's most beautiful creation.
My rape didn't matter, my molestation and abuse didn't matter. My suicide attempts didn't matter. I have better relationship to God. I am one of his creations, too. And I now have a hummingbird skull on a string around my neck. And when a lapse in my recovery takes place and I hear a voice creep through I hold in my hands and say the Jesus prayer. And I'm all better.
I pray for Jesus to have mercy on me.
I paint. I draw. I edit. I write. I read.
I live a simple life. And I challenge myself creatively as therapy. And to challenge others to destigmatize the mental health crisis and Schitzophrenia, PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, Etc. And after my many attempts of suicide. I'm happy to be living life...Can you say the same? What are you doing? Challenge yourself like I do. It makes life worth living.✌️ Peace