open books

You may think this is from a demented mind/ You may have cemented this in your mind/ That I may be deviant or perverse or struggling or screaming for help/ But, I have made peace with past/ And I look forward to the time I can be independent/ And free/ And I know I won't be able to ask for help/ My parents will be dead/ And I'll be alone/ I have always longed for this/ And in my brain there has always been a tug of war/ Of the right and the left/ I've talked about angels, ghosts, vampires, rape, molestation, suicide, and incest/

Finding God/ Never losing faith/ Being hopeful and optimistic/ I write about my family/ And I've I tried to be a boy and a girl/ I've tried to find a friend/ And befriend my enemies/ I'm trying to change/ And choose what I reveal/ I do live a private life but I also can be a heel/ I have thick blood in my body/ And even thicker ink in my pen/ My fingertips are stained from way too many cigarettes/ I need to change/ But, I decided a long time ago to wear my heart on my sleeve/ I decided to be an open book/ I decided to be me/ The trouble with this: You leave your self open and vulnerable to next person who wants to hurt you/ And again I will be writing to heal myself and my mind and heart/ And ultimately me/ At the end of the day I have shared too much information/ And I have lived a life/ Where I unsuccessfully pursued my dreams/ I'm Greek, yet American born/ Proud Greek Orthodox Christian/ I am also first generation/ And I've lived during times/ When things where limitless/ I've also lived during times where things were doom and gloom/ But much life flowers/ I need to nuture myself/

Take a risk in order to bloom/ I am an open book. I am me and you are you/

There is no need for comments, criticism/

Opinion or slander from fools/ I have gone toe to toe with just about anyone/ Who stood in my way/ And yes I am a Christian, who also happens to be Gay/ I have been tormented by this/ And instead of arguing my point of view/ I write and bare my soul/

Yes, I am deeply hurt and wounded/ I decide to be an open book/ But, I also need to change/ I need my doctor's and my pills/ And to own up to my mistakes/

I need to change. I need to live a quieter life/ Far from the noise of silence/ I do need peace and a piece of mind/ I also need a little chaos/ I need to work/ And look to have my own place/ I need to change/ I need to work hard to make this happen/ And when I'm finally there, I'll be fifty or sixty years old/ But I will let you know when it happens/ I'm an open book/ I will let you know.