Troubled Little Greek boy

I have a family where there is a lot of love and disfunction. We don't listen to each other. We just talk at each other or ignore the problems. We genuinely and generally love each other but our past hurt feelings, opinions and attitudes stand in the way of any real progress or closeness or togetherness. 

    

  My mother came to America very young. She is a Hellenic woman. She lived in a small house with animals and went to bathroom outside. She sacrificed her education to raise her sisters. She was married off at a young age to a man who didn't deserve her hand or her heart of gold. And she is my only love. If I can be so bold. I was a silly goofy extroverted introverted child with many ideas and likes. I cultivated my interests. And they informed my personality. And now I am old.

    I've grown up with this loving overbearing mother. And she had many sisters. That all are amazing. Oh you can imagine the colamities. There's nothing they don't lack. I always had food on my dinner plate. We even had late night snacks. My father was absentee. He hasn't been an honorable man. That doesn't mean he is not good, or hardworking. In some ways I understand. He did work and provide.

  But what he gave us was a life of where you were always left to decide what to do by yourself. And when he got more involved. We rather he wouldn't. His opinions always made us cringe. My brother is very smart. He can be the biggest asshole. But he is very hard working and surpringly there is a lot of good within him. And now there's the future where we don't know what will happen and God does laugh at plans.

But I'm getting anxious and restless.

I want to know where I will lay my head.

And place my feet. Where I will lay a table cloth and decorate or clean this new house or condo or townhome. I wonder about my parents. I wonder if they will still be alive. I know our time is limited. But I guess I will either cry or I wont. They'll be up in the sky. Or I will be there first. I have yet to have a place of my own.

   When will I get there. I just want to work someday. I just want to get better. I just  want to be held one day. I just want to love without any judgement. And have my faith in the Lord. I want to have forgiveness, but that doesn't mean I'm worthy. I am honest.

But who knows what God has in store for us. I will be remembered as a strange or odd or mentally disabled. Or problematic or troubled. Or gifted and/or lacking and a hack. I don't have alot of money. I don't have big muscles. There are plenty of things I lack. But I do have my honesty. It sometimes gets annoying. Sometimes I'm too lazy and other times I get so excited.

This is the life of a troubled little Greek boy.